For Immediate Release: The Real Fake News – Kids in the Hall Edition

By Cliff Lake

 

For Immediate Release: The Real Fake News – Kids in the Hall Edition 

Elon Musk today announced plans to have wheels replace his feet after discovering one of them was a left. “If we’re going to make any progress, I’m going to have to roll through this presid… uh, appointment.” said the erstwhile cyborg to a group of children he pulled from a large sack. He then ordered the group to rifle through the Resolute desk and throw out whatever they found.

 

President Trump took laps at the Daytona 500 race. As expected, no egg prices dropped as a result.

 

Mark Zuckerberg has cancelled all public appearances until his oil can is located. He has however promised to continue making Facebook even worse.

 

Health and Human Services secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. today denied reports of the existence of the H5N1 virus, also known as “bird flu” claiming, “Whoever heard of a bird with cold symptoms, I mean, c’mon!” Meanwhile he promised to release a list of his favorite spots to obtain roadkill.

 

Stephen Miller, the White House deputy chief of staff, is reportedly hibernating in a mud bath after having difficulty remaining motile in the latest extreme cold temperatures. He is expected to return shortly after his latest molt.

 

Emergency responders were sent to Lauren Boeberts home late last evening for a wellness check after she failed to say something stupid for several days. Responders were relieved to find her in an apparent stupor after attempting to read.

 

Steve Bannon today was located after a brief scare claiming that he had disappeared. After a 4-hour search, he was located behind one of his pimples. President Trump immediately pardoned the pimple.

 

Several DOGE employees had to be excused from detention yesterday after they had assaulted a group of junior Congressmen with spitballs and gave an undetermined number “atomic wedgies.” Said DOGE headmaster Musk, “Our methods may seem stupid, but they’re still methods, and I just suspended your account for asking.”

 

President Trump today announced plans to bar any and all mainstream media from all contact with him for any reason, anywhere after learning that most of the news outlets have no balls. “We don’t do DEI.” said the chief executive.

 

The European Union today announced plans to place tariffs on anything JD Vance says while he is on the continent.

 

And finally, President of Russia Vladimir Putin threatened to send any 4-year-olds he can find to the White House if he is unsatisfied with upcoming negotiations with President Trump. “He is learning who is real president every day from small persons.” said the diminutive Russian ruler.

 

Cliff Lake 2/16/2025

Copyright © Clifford Lake 2025

Location: Washington, DC, USA

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