The Real Fake News: The Magnificent Seventh

By Cliff Lake

 

The Real Fake News: The Magnificent Seventh

 

James Comer is reportedly issuing a subpoena for Hunter Biden to appear before the Committee on Oversite and Accountability to inquire if Biden knows anything about his missing keys. “I had them yesterday” said the committee chair, “These Bidens are into everything!” he exclaimed. Comer then added, “Also I think he knows where I parked and that’s information we need!”

 

In related news, House of Representatives Mike Johnson has reportedly suggested to Comer to “Try snake handling. If he’s innocent, he won’t get bit. That’s what I tell the kids.” They then made plans to exchange wives, “in committee, appropriately.”

 

Johnson has also indicated a desire to form a committee to investigate the Book of Revelations in the Christian Bible to “Figure out what in tarnation we’re doing wrong. Why isn’t it Armageddon already? Besides, we’re not sure which beast we are any more either.”

 

Marjorie Taylor Greene is launching an investigation into Chips Ahoy claiming they are being racist because “They don’t have a white chocolate variety! That’s the Great Replacement!” When informed that there are said varieties, baked with regular milk chocolate chips, she demanded to know “where the constitution guarantees integrated cookies!”

 

Matt Gaetz wants to look into pants on women he claims. “How is this legal? I abhor the sight of pants on women! They should be removed immediately!” he said, readying a camera phone.

 

The education hate group, Moms for Liberty wants to remove the word “book” from the dictionary. A spokeswoman for the wine club gone wrong said, “No one should be forced to read a book, or even the word ‘book’ so we want it banned.” Reporters declined to remind her that a dictionary is a book so that her head wouldn’t collapse in on itself.

 

There was a momentary panic at DeSantis’ campaign headquarters today when the key that winds him up was misplaced for about an hour. Screams inside the offices were explained by an unnamed witness who said, “He won’t stop that lip-licking thing and it keeps getting slower and slower and slower…”

 

And finally, Donald John Trump said today that because some people seemed to vote for him in the last election, “I won the election too. We had a great election that I won, but by less votes even though I got more votes, but they weren’t counted, and I won too just the same as Biden so I’m co-president which is a very real thing and legally binding and I’m still president that way so I have immunity and now they have to let me go peacefully and without a witch hunt that is totally true.”

 

Cliff Lake 12/15/2023

Copyright © Clifford Lake 2023

Location: Washington, DC, USA

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