The Real Fake News: Ninth Yard

By Cliff Lake

 

The Real Fake News: Ninth Yard

 

Mike Lindell, the pillow guy, claimed he would try to infiltrate the 2024 Democratic Convention by shaving his moustache to disguise himself. So far, no Mike Pillow sightings are reported. In unrelated news, an unattached moustache has been seen in downtown Chicago spelling out “Libtard!” and threatening passersby with a straight razor.

 

Donald Trump, in an effort to sink the Democratic ticket, is threatening to begin endorsing Harris/Walz. It is said that upon hearing the news, Jamie Raskin did a spit take, while Lindsey Graham had to ask for a second box of Kleenex.

 

Having found themselves out of the news cycle for nearly a week, Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene have scheduled a bare-knuckle bout. The event is to take place near the swing set during recess.

 

Catturd™ is reported to have recently realized that he has named himself after feces and is investigating rebranding. Purportedly he is considering “Dumbass™”, “TrumpStooge™” but is leaning hard toward “PutinsBitch™”.

 

Candace Owens, facing backlash over apparent antisemitism, has begun self-identifying as a white suburban Republican soccer mom. She has begun asking close friends to begin calling her “Karen”.

 

Elon Musk has begun accepting financial reports, highlighted in red crayon, detailing the disastrous returns his renamed Twitter platform have reaped since his alienation of a large contingent of advertisers. Leaked reports speak of a large pile of crumpled paper in his office and repeated requests for matches and “fire juice” no one will let him have.

 

Vladimir Putin has begun claiming the Ukrainian insurgence into Russian territory is a “special victory operation” and that Russian soldiers under fire or captured were “traitors to the Motherland we are dealing with in exceptional fashion.” Fire extinguishers were immediately deployed to his trousers according to British intelligence.

 

And finally, Donald John Trump claims to have defused a bomb he found planted in his golf cart. “Many caddies came to me with tears in their eyes to thank me for saving their lives.”, he said in a statement filmed in a MacDonalds men’s room.


Cliff Lake 8/20/2024

Copyright © Clifford Lake 2024

Location: Wichita, KS, USA

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