Bride of The Real Fake News

Bride of The Real Fake News

 

Lauren Boebert today held up business at a local coffee shop by giving an acceptance speech when receiving her coffee. Speaking for 15 minutes, Boebert credited herself with "stopping liberal caffeine policies and fascist donut grooming." Shop employees claim she stiffed them on a tip.

 

Gym Jordan is reportedly organizing a committee to investigate why "everyone thinks I'm an idiot." A preliminary list of individuals to be questioned includes Ronald MacDonald, Homer Simpson, Mrs. Stanton's third grade math class, and a mysterious witness vaguely described as "a 6 foot tall invisible rabbit as soon as we can find someone that can hear him." Jordan is already claiming "that proves it." while Speaker McCarthy was heard saying, "Let them try arresting THIS one!"

 

A series of glitches at Twitter were traced to an individual named Knottmi who has offices adjacent to Elon Musk. Knottmi does not appear to be officially attached to any department within the social media giant but is said to have a close relationship to Musk who has in the past described the mysterious personage as "like a second me that's much, much worse, but in a good way." It is not known if Knottmi is planning future outages.

 

Ex-president Trump is said to be shopping for "just the right gun to shoot myself in the foot with." The former chief executive is "tired of doing it over the Internet." and wishes to "do something right for once." Aides for Trump could not be reached for comment because, "Uh, we have some stuff to move around but we'll get back you."

 

Low inflation numbers posted this week are being looked at by House Reps Marjorie Taylor Greene and Matt Gaetz. "The American people need to know where this inflation went and who has it now.", said Greene in a statement. "This sounds like another Biden scandal", added Gaetz, "And I for one am counting on Bidenomics to be directly responsible.", he said, growing his forehead an additional half inch.

 

Senator Lindsey Graham has asked why the Constitution doesn't have a "do-over clause" for elections. "I used to win lots of games that way," he said, "All the way through 4th grade at least." Graham claimed, posting the signup sheet for a Chutes and Ladders tournament.

 

Donald John Trump Junior today was escorted out of the West Wing of the White House after he was found searching the visitor cubby holes. He offered no explanation for his presence but was heard complaining that he hadn't found anything that he couldn't buy over the counter.

 

A House commitee is said to be being formed to look into obtaining more electronic devices belonging to Hunter Biden claiming "there must be something on these other laptops and phones besides pictures we haven't seen yet. Not that it's about the pictures but... yeah...'" said a spokesman who asked not to be named Marjorie Taylor Greene.

 

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis campaign team has sent out a questionnaire with a "Rate Your Hate" section in reference to the candidate. There are five levels including: "Dickhead", "Fucking Dickhead", "Loser Fucking Dickhead", "Jesus Christ, this CREEP" and "Trump Lite" A spokesman for the campaign said the survey "will have no bearing on whether the campaign continues; Ron just wants to know," To submit the survey, a photo ID is required.

 

An anonymous source has claimed that Kari Lake has been asked to leave Mar-a-Lago and is headed to her home state. In unrelated news, barriers are being erected on all major roads leading into Arizona.

 

The Freedom Caucus, having expelled Marjorie Taylor Greene from the group, is seeking to update its by-laws. Suggested changes are: steroid use must be monitored by either a medical professional, or at least a gym rat everyone trusts; no name-calling on the House floor without supporting documentation; no podcasts based on Q-Anon conspiracy theories not also being repeated by RFK Jr.; and lastly, all cocaine planting is to have at least one set of Biden fingerprints applied before being left where it's to be found after an anonymous phone call is made to the Secret Service telling them where to look.

 

Cliff Lake 7/14/2023

Copyright © Clifford Lake 2023